Boys will be boys.

Cursing, being gross and talking about girls. No matter what their age. 

During a private lesson with a 7-year-old:
Student, in a very serious tone: "Anna... Does your mum let you curse?"
Me (looking at him for quite a few seconds while intensely struggling inside): "No... no she doesn't."
Student, with a sad look on his face: "Oh... Mine neither."

Another 7-year-old -not a student of mine this time- looking at me with his big blue eyes and his round glasses and saying with a child's disarming honesty: "That skirt is quite short for your age". 

Very hardcore 9-year-old's composition about an evening out: "A week ago I went to the cinema with my friends. We saw a horror film, the Lord of the Rings 2. Then we went to a bar and drinked coca cola. I had a great time."
The bar part cracked me up so much that I even forgave that he wrote "drinked" instead of "drank". 

In a class consisting of 9 and 10-year-olds:
Nick: Miss, can I go to the bathroom?
Me: No, you should have gone before the lesson.
Nick: But I have to gooooo!
Me: Do you REALLY have to go?
Nick: Yes, I REALLY have to go or else I will piss on Victoria (the girl next to him).
Me: NICK.
Nick: Why, miss, it's what she deserves!

12-year-old student during a private lesson: "So the other day, me and my friends explored an abandoned factory nearby. It was dark and creepy and AWESOME. We just forgot one thing..."
Me: "Oh, and what was that?"
Student: "We should have taken some girls with us, so they'd fall right in our arms once they were scared..."

12-year-old's composition about something that happened at school... While almost everyone else wrote about a test that they missed and how cool that was or something boring like that, he wrote:

"Dear George,

How are things? I hope everything's OK. You won't believe what happened at school today. Some friends told me some things about the girls and you won't believe it. Guess what: a girl really loves you. She will ask you if you love her too!!! GIRLS. (blah blah blah main body of the essay)

I hope you answer my letter and we will talk at the basketball training today. Also, say hello to your mum."

13-year-old during a private lesson:
"I didn't understand this exercise. Can we do it together?"
"No, but you have five minutes to do it on your own and we can check it together afterwards."
"But it's different when we do the exercises together..." *bats eyelashes*
"I'm gonna throw up."
"Damn it, that always works with the teachers at school!"

Aforementioned 13-year-old:
Me: How would you feel if you were chosen to participate in an exchange programme abroad?
Student: Scared. I wouldn't want to leave my family.
Me: Really?! Oh, right, how old are you?
Student: 13. But I'm good-looking.

14-year-old student during a private lesson:
"So there's this girl at school and she's a massive wh... you know. So the other day she came at school wearing just a pair of leggings and she wore a thong underneath and me with 20 more guys were standing behind her, staring, as the light fell on her... We could see everything! She's such a sl... you know."
"If you don't like her, why were you staring?"
"Errr... you know, it was just there, what was I supposed to do?"

Aforementioned 14-year-old who has understood the meaning of life: "When an exercise is full of mistakes, you yell at me. When I do it correctly, you ask me if I did it by myself. You women are never satisfied with anything!"

14-year-old student's composition on the following topic: "You have decided to host an Italian student. Write a letter to the head-teacher with all the necessary details."

"Dear Mr. Stevens, I'm writing in response to the notice about hosting a foreign student. We would love to host an Italian student. I would like a girl because I want to find a girlfriend and my sister feels alone. So a pretty girl would be perfect. (blah blah blah main body of the essay) I hope we have been chosen as a host family because I really want a girlfriend."

And finally, in a group consisting of 14-year-olds:

"Miss, does 'playing it safe' mean 'masturbating in secret'?"

“We'll always have Paris.”

On growing old and on feeling nostalgic.

 

So far, this blog has been about the random, weird or downright insane stuff that children utter. I always go on about how much I love my job because it keeps me entertained and as those who know me well will willingly tell you, I am one of those super annoying people who need to be entertained ALL the time. Problem is, the older I get, the less fascinating my life seems to become. Going out with friends is more scarce -since the majority now have proper jobs, are in serious relationships or have moved to other countries- and I work longer hours as well. Not to mention that I am going to be 26 soon, which means I am getting closer to being 30 and as we all know, it's all downhill from that point on.

So as I'm sitting in my room, wind blowing, it being late and all, my mind wanders back to times long gone. I recall how back in the day, in an enchanting, mysterious city, life consisted of partying hard, meeting new people every week, taking a different road every day and not knowing what awaits in the next corner. We used to walk and not drive. We used to laugh heartily and not smile politely. We used to be in places where we were not supposed to be and drink very cheap wine and read and dance and kiss. We were not “comme-il-faut”, we were not perfectly moral and we may have even broken the law once or twice. But above all, we were ALIVE. Young, excited and thirsty for life. And there is nothing in the world that I miss more than that.

 

It’s that time of the year again

Okay, okay, this entry was meant to be posted on Christmas… On Christmas 2012, to be precise. Don’t judge me! It’s not as if you’ve never postponed doing something... for over a year. Aaaaanyway, without further ado, here are some of the dialogues that took place before the winter holidays.

In a beginners' class:

Boy 1: "Miss, can I ask Santa for a zombie?"

Me: "I don't know Nick, you can try and tell me how it goes."

Boy 2: "You know that Santa is your mum and dad, right?"

There was utter silence in the class for a few seconds and I held my breath.

Boy 1: "Yeah, yes I know that." *pause* "I still want that zombie though."

8-year-old boy’s sincere question while watching The Polar Express: “Oh wow! Does the Polar Express come to Greece too?”

During a private lesson with a 14-year-old student:

Me: “Okay, I'll see you on the 27^th for our next lesson! Merry Christmas!”
Student: “On the 27^th? No way! I'm coming over on the 24^th to sing the Christmas carols. See you at 7am!”

Me: “Yeah, do that, and you won’t be singing the carols to anyone else…”

During the school party before the Christmas holidays:

Student 1: “So when I first saw you I figured that you were very strict.”

Student 2: “Nah, she’s actually really cool and she tells loads of jokes.”

Me: “Awww!”

Student 2: “So I charge 0.25€ per compliment…”

(By the way, I don’t joke much in class. I’m just plain honest and they think I’m joking. Not understanding sarcasm or actually appreciating it?)

A couple of days before that, I was having a private lesson with an 8-year-old in his house. While we were sitting in front of the lit fireplace, suddenly a loud bang was heard from inside the fireplace. He jumped up. I looked at him and opened my eyes widely: "It's SANTA!!!"

And then, during a lesson with the same little boy:
Me: "So, we won't be having a lesson for the next two weeks, try not to be too sad..."
Student: "I'm so sad that I'll throw a party with a band playing live."
Me: "Oh come on. I can almost see the tears in your eyes."
Student: "They're tears of joy..."
Outsmarted by an 8-year-old: check.

It's been a while.

Well, it certainly has. Apparently, I’ve been “ way too busy ” for the past… seven months.

Nah. I’ve been lazy indeed, but I’ve also been having more lessons than ever, plus a variety of brilliant new students, determined to make my life a living hell. Just a few days ago, I was trying to explain the term “painkiller” in a class of 11-year-olds and the example I used was something like “Do you have an earache? Take a painkiller and you’ll feel better.” On the same lesson, a while later, I said:

“Guys, quit making so much noise already. You’ve given me a headache.”

Their reply was:

“Take a painkiller.”

Well, at least they've been paying attention.

The problem is that I sometimes start laughing along. The other day, during a private lesson with a 7-year-old, I was wearing a hoodie with bear ears (!). When the little devil said “You look like Kung Fu Panda.”, I nearly fell off my chair.

And there's always the bribe attempt. At the end of another private lesson yesterday, a 12-year-old student gave me my monthly payment whispering conspiratorially:

“So… with that small tip… can we pretend that you never saw the Grammar mistakes I made today?”

“Hm... I think not.”

                                
                                (aforementioned student's expression)

Other than funny utterances and bribe attempts there are also the completely random questions that make you wonder if anyone is actually listening to what you're saying:

Student: “Miss, can I ask you a question?”
Me: “Is it relevant to the lesson?”
Student: “Errr… No, it isn’t.”
Me: “Then no, you can’t.”

Five minutes later…

Student: “Miss…”
Me: “Yeees…?”
Student: “Can I ask you a question?”
Me: “Is it relevant to the lesson?”
Student: “No, it isn’t.”
Me: “Then no, you can’t.”

The same thing went on for three or four more times and then at the end of the class...

Student: “Miss?”
Me: “What is it this time?”
Student: “Can I ask you a question?”
Me: “Yes.”
Student: “It isn’t relevant to the lesson.”
Me: “I figured. Go ahead.”
Student: “Is that a real tattoo??”
Me: -.-

So that’s pretty much what has been going on… Not that there haven’t of course been some rewarding moments. A couple of days ago, in the class that consists of the most restless and disobedient students:

“Miss, do you like your job or have we driven you crazy?”
They were suddenly all quiet. I smiled.
“I love my job”, I admitted, still smiling.
And they smiled back. It was the highlight of my day.

What do I make of it all? They just make me realize that I love what I do. Because children calling you mean is entertaining... but children hugging you when you get to school is priceless and it makes my cold black heart smile.

True Stories

Some of the best laughs are caused by those who are unintentionally funny. So without further ado, I present you with a Top 10 of my students' brilliance.

#10 Paper plane made by a ten-year-old student and given to me on my birthday:

#9 A fourth grader's description of life being hard:

#8 An 11-year-old student's essay on how they imagine school in the future:

#7 Idem

 #6 Idem:

#5 The massive facepalm caused by a 13-year-old's answer to no 6 of the exercise on Passive Voice that follows: 

#4 A 12-year-old boy's essay. As to how related the essay was to the topic, well, who am I to judge: 

#3 A thirteen-year-old girl's test which was given to me when the time was up, full of ant-shaped stamps: 

#2 The same girl's workbook. Before (omelette):

And after (antomelette):

#1 In the first place, an imaginative essay by that same girl:

My little legends, you're all amazing.

The Awesomeness Goes On.

I recently attended the graduation ceremony for my postgraduate studies. I now officially have a Master's degree and despite that fact, one of the books that I am using as a teacher, suggests that I wear a lion's mask to entertain a six-year-old. Now THAT's degrading.

If you disregard this however, the rest of my classes remain quite cool. I was correcting some exercises of one of my groups a couple of days ago, and here’s what some of my eleven-year-olds wrote when they had to practice on conditionals:

#1 “If I go to the hairdresser’s, I will get a perm.”

(The student who wrote that was a boy.)

#2 “Unless I join the gym, I will go to the restaurant.”

(It’s either one or the other, clearly).

On my way to another classroom, I heard a student addressing another student in all seriousness: “You won’t be kicking me today cause my leg hurts”. (?!) I then got to the classroom, where a ten-year-old boy immediately greeted me with “Miss, is it OK if my essay is a bit… violent?”. “Show me”, I said. And here’s what he had written, on an essay the topic of which was to write a story starting with “Yesterday evening I went to the cinema with my sister Mary”:

“Yesterday evening I went to the cinema with my sister Mary. While we were walking, we saw our friend Margy. We decided to go to the cinema when Margy went to the street when a bus killed her! We were looking for her but she was stuck on the bus!”

The paragraph was followed by this drawing:

 

And a post-scriptum saying “I wrote this essay because Margy had told me the other day that I have psychological problems”. (Margy is one of his classmates). Personally, I believe that Margy was onto something.

A couple of days later, I had the pleasure of teaching my favourite group, the seventh-graders. I gave them a test, during which a student was mumbling:

Me: “Please stop that...”

Other student: “No, Miss, let him. I’ve trained him to say the correct answers out loud.”

And the same student, half an hour later: “Miss, you can correct our tests now. I already took the liberty of calling 911.”

On a different day but again while teaching the same group, I had my back turned and I was writing on the board when I heard students talking and I said (without turning to look at them): “John, be quiet please.”

John: “How did you…?! I don’t know where the hell that extra pair of eyes of yours is located.”

And a bit later on, when they asked me for a favour:

Me: “Yes. No. Alright, yes.”

Student: “I love your decisiveness.”

And I love my job, dear child, I really do.

You Only Like Your Own.

You know all those adorable things adults say about children, praising the sound of their “uncontrollable laughter”, their “unlimited imagination” or their “pure, longed-for by adults, innocence”? Right. All this is nice and lovely but some children are a tad bizarre. The other day, when I had just left the classroom and another teacher had entered, I heard a usually very quiet and low-profile eight-year-old boy yell at another boy:

“Girl?? You called ME a GIRL???” and with that he threw a book at the boy who had uttered the unforgivable insult. A loud “BANG” was heard and then there was silence.

No, no one died. Or got hurt. Or anything dramatic. The child ducked and the book hit the wall instead. Cunning lad. As for the incident, I’m not quite sure how it ended.

A little girl came to me the other day complaining that one of the boys had kicked her during the break and I'm preeeeeetty sure she had started it. The following image immediately came to my mind:

                          

As for them being innocent, fine, perhaps I can accept that. Sometimes. That does not mean that nine-year-olds do not say things that you would never expect a child age to say at that age. However, they definitely get worse as they grow up. For example, grown-ups are undoubtedly way more earth-bound and that is not necessarily a good thing. Just the other day I realised how much of a cynic I've become when I saw a flashcard with the words “chicken-cow-pig” on it and I immediately categorised them as “meat” instead of “animals”. Gee.

What I love about some children though, is when they have already developed a sense of humour. This cracks me up - maybe too much for my own good. Last week, in my class that consists of 12 and 13-year-old boys, the following happened when I asked a question:

Student 1: “Uh uh uh uh uh, miss, uh uh uh me, me, me!”

Student 2: “Dude, you sound like a dog.”

These particular students though still can be a tad annoying when they don’t write their names on their projects. Or when they write their classmates’ names, which they find particularly amusing...

As with adults, there are all different types of kids. Annoying, funny, sweet, weird, even creepy. There's at least one of every kind. But one thing is for sure... I'm starting to understand why it is claimed that children are “like farts: you only like your own.”